Thursday, August 09, 2007

Your call is important to us

Hello! Thank you for calling the federal government, America's No. 1 source for government service-related program activities for more than 200 years. Your call may be recorded to ensure quality control. Or to monitor you for signs of terrorist ties. Or because we have some free time and a spare audiotape.

For English, press 1. For all other languages, learn English.

Please select from the following options. To cut taxes and increase spending, press 1. To pay out more than we take in, press 2. To break up our spending into smaller pieces instead of one big annual chunk in the hope you won't notice it as much, press 3. To spend money like a hungry toddler with an endless supply of $20 bills in a candy store, press 4. For more options, press 9.

Just kidding. There are no other options. To pray that the budget deficit magically disappears, press 1. To make these prayers mandatory in all public places, press 2. To privatize all public places, press 3. To stay in Iraq forever no matter what, press 4. For more options, press 9.

Thank you for pressing 9, which also counts as a 4 because it looks like one if you squint really hard. To report a suspected foreigner, press 1. To report a predictable, region-crippling natural disaster for which we are grossly unprepared, press 2. To report an alleged "global warming" trend before all possible scientific experiments have been conducted in all possible galaxies to prove your theory, press 3. To defeat the terrorists in their war on freedom by chipping away at civil liberties, press 8. To beg for substantive change in your nation's direction, press 9.

Thank you for pressing 9, which is an 8 that used to be confused about its attractions, but is cured now and no longer demands special rights. We will neither confirm nor deny that someone may or may not arrive at an undisclosed location between the hours of now and forever with or without what may or may not be a warrant. Or not.

If you'd like to clear up any lingering confusion with a large donation sent through a campaign finance loophole, press 1. If not, thank you for calling the federal government, and have a nice day. You look like you could use one.


Blogger King Cockfight said...


3:15 PM  

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