Wednesday, December 01, 2004

No, I'm a better demagogue!

State Rep. Gerald Allen, R-Cottondale, refuses to quit introducing ludicrous, symbolic legislation. First, it was a bill aimed at punishing the NCAA after my beloved Alabama Crimson Tide's football team was put on probation. Then it was a proposed constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage. Now we have Allen's crowning achievement of stupidity and regression: a bill calling for books with gay characters to be banned from every public library in the state.

Allen says the measure is needed to defend our children from the "homosexual agenda" and books that "recognize or promote homosexuality as an acceptable lifestyle." And what to do with all of the banned books? Ah, he's got a plan for that, too: "I guess we dig a big hole and dump them in and bury them." Well, at least he didn't call for a Fahrenheit 451-style bonfire.

In Allen's defense, the "homosexual agenda" of which he speaks is omnipresent in this liberal love-in that we call Alabama. I can hardly go outside without having to fight the traffic jams caused by the twice-daily gay pride parades. I can't go to sleep out of fear that roving bands of homosexuals will break into my home and turn me gay. Worst of all, I think some of them might not be going to church every Sunday.

So yes, you have a capital idea on your hands, Gerald. Let's allow you -- and you alone -- to decide what more than 4.5 million Alabamians should and should not be able to read. I hear that Shakespeare guy might have been a little fruity, if you get what I'm saying, so he's gotta go. While we're at it, we might want to ban stuff by that Darwin character, who was a renowned hater of freedom. And all of those liberal newspapers? Why, if we let them continue to publish, the terrorists have already won.

Gerald, just in case your eyes come across this post, what appeared above is known as "sarcasm," and you're what is known as a "demagogue," and not a very original or skilled one at that. I know those are big words with lots of syllables, but you can check the dictionary to see what they mean.

Unless, of course, you've banned it, too.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hope tomorrow's Our View meets with Mr. Allen's approval.

11:49 PM  

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