Friday, October 31, 2008

Playing out the string

Nothing has worked, my friends. Nothing.

They've tried to point out what a terribly arrogant, egocentric celebutante this Barack Obama fellow is, only to find out that perhaps running ads full of thousands of Europeans joyfully waving American flags at the very mention of Obama isn't the best way to argue against him. Plus, they totally got punked by Paris Hilton, an inestimably difficult task.

They've tried to tell the world how dangerously inexperienced and unready to lead from day one That One is, because of all the arguments that Hillary Clinton used in the primary, that's the one that helped her lose slightly less than the others. (Nota bene: Next time, consider arguments that won.) In addition, calling attention to 26 years of Washington insider status during a change election may, in retrospect, have been a poor tactical decision.

They've tried to let everyone know that for real change from the failed Republican policies of the past eight years, you need a brand-new mavericky Republican with a maverick like Sarah Palin at his side. Then it turned out, also, that Maverick 2.0 was for that Bridge to Nowhere before she was against it, and also had some novel ideas about disclosing public records, and also struggled to string together coherent policy statements or sentences under brutal questioning from renowned inquisitioner Katie Couric, also. Let's not even talk about that state trooper scandal, also.

They've tried to convey the gravity of the economic crisis confronting our nation by bravely suspending the presidential campaign -- except for the parts that involved giving public speeches and running ads and going to debates and such -- to return to Washington, D.C., just in time to take credit for the Wall Street bailout just before it went down in flames in the first vote. Look, what's important to remember is this is a crisis, which you can tell by the way the letters are italicized, and you should know who's tested and ready to respond to a crisis, even if it means misleading David Letterman a little every now and then.

They've tried to declare guilt by association by playing Six Degrees of Barack Obama with pretty much anyone and everyone.

They've tried to paint Obama, with his plans to raise taxes on the wealthy to start paying some of the country's rapidly mounting bills, as a socialist redistributionist who would replace the stars and stripes with a hammer and sickle.

They've tried to blame the damn liberal media -- John McCain's former "base" -- for taking everything out of context, even if it was aired from start to finish, and even if it was your five-day forecast.

They've tried, in all seriousness, to make the final weeks of the campaign a referendum on Joe the Plumber.

But nothing has worked, my friends. Nothing.

So before these final four days fade, fire up the robocalls, empty your arsenal of sports metaphors, and put your best ABBA album on continuous loop late on election night.

Because no pain -- not even a failed White House bid -- can touch you when the smooth harmony of "Dancing Queen" fills your ears.

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