Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Running low on bread here at the circus

Forget constitutional reform, tax fairness, and overcrowded prisons. Alabama's lawmakers know what the real problems are.

Take specialty beer, for example. It's a threat to teenage sobriety, as you could learn from some of the state House members who voted Tuesday against allowing a vote on the gourmet beer bill. Because as we all know, college students, with their limitless disposable income, tend to get drunk on the most expensive imported brew available instead of knocking back a 12-pack of cheap domestic beer. And as we also know, you're wrong, even if I'm not entirely sure what you said, so there. (Dan of Between the Links has the audio clips -- and the outrage.)

Our legislators aren't the only ones with our very best interests in mind. U.S. Rep. Spencer Bachus, R-Vestavia Hills, is looking out for us on Capitol Hill, where he knows the most urgent concern America faces is not the Iraq war or Katrina recovery, but rather the prospect of gay couples getting a marriage certificate: "We could lose Iraq and survive; we lost Vietnam and survived, but if we lose this battle against gay marriage, we are doomed." (At press time, Massachusetts had yet to collapse into an anarchic, dystopian nightmare, but considering they haven't banned gay marriage in triplicate, it may be only a matter of time.)

Lost in all of this talk, of course, is that our elected officials still have done nothing to guard us from the most pressing danger of all: Internet usage by U.S. Supreme Court justices.

We're vulnerable, people. Vulnerable.

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