Thursday, May 25, 2006

Alabama political ad template

(Open with progressively tighter zoom shot on black-and-white photo of Opponent as ominous music loops in the background.)

Sure, Opponent claims to be good for Alabama, but the facts just don't lie. Opponent is a [Montgomery insider / opportunistic money-grubber / damn Yankee] who voted more than [20 / 200 / 2 million] times to support [liberal tax increases on hard-working Alabamians / removing God from our schools and churches / cooking and eating the poor].

What did Opponent receive in return? Thousands of dollars in campaign contributions and kickbacks from [dirty liberal trial lawyers / soulless corporate fatcats and gambling lobbyists / terrorists]. That might be enough for some people, but not Opponent. Now, according to [some newspaper or TV station], Opponent supports legislation to [confiscate your land / force you to house illegal immigrants in your garage / punch your dog in the face]. Some people just never learn.

(Cue upbeat music and cut to video footage of Candidate praying around the dinner table with the family, hugging kids and senior citizens, frolicking in a meadow with bunnies, etc.)

Fortunately for us, there's a better choice. Candidate is [a veteran of public service / not a career politician / definitely not in this for the state retirement] and shares our conservative Alabama family faith values. Raised in a town [where everybody knows your name / where conservative Alabama family faith values reigned supreme / so small that scientists are still working to confirm its existence] and married for [a long time / a really long time / far longer than your mere mortal mind can fathom], Candidate understands and shares the conservative Alabama family faith values that we all hold so dear.

(Cut to video of Candidate standing near a barn, church, creek, general store, school, etc., surrounded by friends and family.)

"I'm Candidate, and together we can [build a stronger, more conservative Alabama / shamelessly exploit religious faith in pursuit of votes / feed my insatiable ego]. Help me fight for you."

(Cue voice-over as Candidate looks ahead confidently.)

On Election Day, send a message to Opponent and the rest of the [liberals / liberal liberals / liberal tree-hugging hippie liberals]. Vote Candidate for [insert office here].

The preceding has been a message from Shadowy Lobbyist Types for Truth PAC, which will file its disclosure after the election.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Outstanding introduction. Keep up the good work.

2:47 PM  
Blogger Matthew Bedo said...

This is certainly witty, but also sad. Someday, perhaps, we can rise above the muck and actually focus on those issues common to all of us and how to improve Alabama.

2:50 PM  
Blogger Alabamian said...

It's not just an Alabama problem. It's at least a nationwide problem, and probably a species-wide problem. We humans just love style and intrigue, and unfortunately, those things often trump substance and progress. Thanks to both of you for the compliments.

12:45 AM  
Blogger King Cockfight said...

Personally, I think more candidates should build their campaigns around a promise not to sodomize their constituents' children.

I mean, you got to admit it's a concern.

3:32 PM  

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